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A Matter of the Heart

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

A Matter of the Heart My husband recently spent a week in the hospital. He drove us there, and was admitted. Tests had to be done to determine the next steps in his treatment. His week was a "vacation" of sorts. Mine was a week of hell. After our arrival, and having stayed many hours, I left for home, alone and tired. The night was quite restless, as I tossed and turned, listening to every noise in the house. I left the puppy out of his kennel, hoping to wean him to his doggie bed instead. His first night was very good, and at least one of us slept well. The following day I returned to the hospital. A positive outlook, free of worry, I made my way out to the place where sick people go to be healed. His spirits were high, I was tired, migraine headache pounding. I was comfortable and trusting that all was and would be well, despite the nagging pounding that was going on inside my head. The day of hanging out in the hospital while he watched tv and rested, was really, quite boring. I left late afternoon, stopping at the local farmers market. I was not handling the situation very well. My mind was too cloudy, and worry started to manifest in the thunderstorm of my head. I purchased many fresh veggies, honey and crisp apples, deciding to cook up a storm upon my arrival home. Sleep that night was sparse again, fatigue and pounding fought each other throughout the night. Day three, kids were checking in, in-laws came to visit and a hospital routine began to settle in as my husband enjoyed his much needed rest. He was checked up on, napped frequently, had hospital meals plus food that we brought over, had many visitors and the royal treatment by the medical staff. I left to find supper, and upon my return to the car, I saw the most beautiful scene. The dark sky above was much lighter miles ahead, sun shining over the city away from me. What seemed like hundreds of white snow birds flew about, their bodies shining like diamonds in the sky. It was breath taking. There was beauty and life on the other side of the darkness. The fourth day brought a birthday celebration for hubby. I worked the early part of the day, and made my way with cupcakes and a visit. My son was there already, and both men commented on my racoon eyes, and "Hey mom, why should you be worried? everything is fine here." Well, on top of the migraines, lack of sleep and my thoughts that I was handling things okay, on the outside I obviously looked like my insides were not okay. I suddenly saw myself, strong, steady and under control as questionable. What if something happened to him. What would I do? How would I handle it emotionally? How do I regain that sense of control and togetherness? Where the heck was my brain? Why in the world can I not think straight, stay focused or keep holding it together? I was always able to say the right thing to clients in support of their issues. And yet my issues seemed to be getting the best of me. My mom, my rock talked to me several times a day. Some dear friends gave me support and encouraged me to rest, take time of work, and go meditate! They were feeding me my own words! What, me having to be taken care of? Unheard of! It was my job to take care of the family and my work. Suddenly, I felt as though I could not even do my job! It was as though there were two of me. One was lost in this emotional fog, and the other stood there and watched. I laughed at myself. Still, I struggled to stay focused. I fell into the routine of cooking, cleaning and going to the hospital. Hubby was happy and all together in his own little world. The second last day, the day of the tests, I was ready to explode. I realized that I was very tense, anxious and worried about the results. Anticipation flowed through my veins. The week felt so very much longer than a week. I wondered how anyone with a situation more traumatic than mine had ever coped? I clearly was not doing a good job, at least that is how I felt. It was the end of the day, and just as the sun decided to set, the results came in. I would be bringing him home in the morning. A wave of peace came over me. Exhaustion filled my body. A clearing occurred in my head, the fog left easily and immediately. A deep breath and I was finally free.

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